Thursday, March 13, 2008

The Murderer Who Came For Me Last Night!!

Subtitle: The longest blog in history! But trust me it is worth the read!

Ok so you might be thinking, “What prompted Melanie to finally start this blog?” Actually it was something that happened last night and I would like to share with ya’ll the ridiculousness that is my imagination.

To start things off I would like to say that after graduating from college in December I have been living with my parents. This is not at all a bad set up, free food, free rent, people who have to listen to me talk, I mean it’s really quite nice but just to be honest I’m ready to leave. So I met some girls in Dallas through a friend and they “asked” me to live with them one day when they move out of their current house… if ya’ll are reading this I still plan on taking ya’ll up on that offer… hopefully it was real offer and not one of those fake invites! But if they do not move out I have considered moving in to a one bedroom apartment for a small period of time. My plans have completely changed after last night.

Yesterday my parents left for California before I even woke up. Now as many of you know when I have the house to myself I do not automatically think “freedom baby!!” I think “ahhh this is scary. Be brave. You can do it. No you can’t. Get out now!” Well awhile back they went to Honduras and I braved two of the nights alone at my house and it went quite well. I’m still sleeping downstairs when I’m alone but it’s a huge step especially considering I actually fell asleep at a normal hour. Hold your applause please. So when they told me they were going to California I now thought, “all right this is good, I need to get used to this.”

So yesterday I arrived home from work at about 5:15 and promptly set the alarm as I wasn’t planning on going out for the rest of the night, I mean hello American Idol comes on at 8 and I have a puzzle going on upstairs that I’ve been working on. What more could a girl in her early 20’s ask for… exciting I know!! So my night was going great. I was puzzling and watching TV, and then at 9:45 the dog decided she had to go to the bathroom. So I went to let her out. When I opened the door I heard a faint bell like sound in the distance. “What is that?” I wondered, “Oh well” I thought and shut the door. About 60 seconds later I thought, “Oh shoot that was the alarm!!!” So I ran to turn it off. I then rummaged around looking for the alarm code key to give the alarm company when they called. They never called. So I went up stairs, turned on some good tunes, and proceeded to dance around while I packed for my trip on Saturday… Now everyone here knows I’m a good dancer so don’t even think about judging me just beacuse I often go to my room and dance around when I’m bored/in the morning when I get ready/every Saturday when I clean. I then proceeded to change into my nastiest of nasty pajamas. I’m talking pants that are 2 sizes to large and the crotch literally comes down to my knees and a shirt that is also 2 sizes to large. Don’t judge. You know you have them too and they are dang comfy if I do say so and who’s going to see me anyways. So I dance my way downstairs (this time to the music in my head) and get on the computer for my nightly email check before I turn in. It is now 10:30 fyi.

Sorry this is getting so long but I like to get the details right. I want ya’ll to feel what I was feeling. So all of a sudden someone is knocking on the door!!!!! Logically I think, “Oh my gosh a murderer has come to kill me while I’m home alone!!!!” This is no joke I’m actually thinking this. Then the dog starts growling. And usually she just barks at the door so I then think, “Oh gosh!! Dog’s KNOW when a murderer is at the door and she is trying to protect me” So now I’m crouched in the study and I grab the house phone to call my parents. The phone doesn’t ring. So I hang up and call the neighbor. The phone doesn’t ring. They have obviously cut the power lines to come and get me so I can’t call 911. This is straight from a movie. *NOTE: Actual thought process. Oh wait!!! I have a cell phone in my other hand! Thank the Lord for technology. I call my parents. They don’t answer!! They hate me and want me to die! I call the neighbor. She doesn’t answer. Why does everyone want me dead!! I’m about to dial 911. In fact I have it dialed and my finger is on the talk button just in case. I know all you girls have been there. Don’t try to deny it. Just accept.

All of a sudden they are in the garage and trying to open the door into the house!!! Oh my gosh how the H-E-DOUBLE HOCKEY STICKS did they get into the garage! I shut the garage door for goodness sake! Then they are at the back door that leads into the backyard trying to open that. Then they are at my parent’s back door trying to get in. I promptly drop to the ground and army crawl/run *it was awkward I know* to the dining room so I can peek out the window. By now my whole body is literally shaking and my heart is about to pound out of my body. What do I see you ask? A man in all black with a chainsaw? Someone in an army tank trying to take over my house? Hillary Clinton trying to kill me so I won’t vote against her? No I say to you, there were two police cars in the front of my house!

All this freaking out for nothing!!!!!! I then run to the back door to open the door for these nice men who have come to check on me and to find out what the heck is going on that they would show up at my house at 10:30 on a work night. So when I open the door of course what is running through my head is, “are they going to pull their guns on me?” Don’t worry, they didn’t. But what IS happening is my alarm is going off and they have come to check it out. Here is what comes out of my mouth when I open the door, “oh my… scared, home…. alone and um the alarm and um I had the call to card and card to call alarm... company... card... i'm freaking out" What I meant to say was, “Wow ya’ll had me nervous, I’m home alone and the alarm went off when I let the dog out but the alarm company never called me and I forgot about it because it was 45 minutes ago.” What I wish I had wanted to say was this, “Hey guys what’s up? Ya’ll doing ok? Ya I’m just hanging out at my house and I was having this rad party upstairs and didn’t hear you knock. Sorry about that. Can I get you a cup of coffee or a diet coke?” I think they got the gist though. So I show them my id and they are on there way.

My neighbor calls back and 15 minutes later after I’ve finally recounted the whole story I’m starting to calm down. Then what do you know the doorbell rings. The police are back. The alarm went off again. Oh ya Melanie that would be because you opened to door for the police the first time and didn’t turn the alarm off. Oh wait you are doing the same thing right now. So they come in and chat with me awhile, my neighbor comes over to check it out as they give me the up down look probably thinking “she is a fashion nightmare thank goodness we came… now she will have the sense to not wear such nasty pajamas even if she is home alone.”

So that’s my story. I blame it on the dog. I mean she was the one who had to pee. I usually thank God for my active imagination but last night as I was cursing the dog I sent curses upon God as well for that imagination of mine. This is what I said, "I curse you god, you mighty spiter, you laugh upon my scardy catness and I curse this dog too for having to pee and setting off the alarm" Ok I didn’t really curse God but I did think things like “that stupid butt head dog. I dislike her”… just trying to keep it PG 13 here. She must have heard the curses because this morning as I showered she decided to leave me a little gift right outside the game room and as I went to walk down stairs I stepped in a big puddle of pee. As it oozed between my toes and my new perfectly manicured toes that I did last night I cursed her again.

That’s all friends. Sorry the first post is so long but when something like this happens I just feel the need to share it with everyone. My deep down gut feeling tells me ya’ll really don’t care, but I ignore that and I believe ya’ll are on pins and needles just dying to know what happened to me last night. Thanks for caring guys! I’ll try to keep my future posts smaller and incorporate some pictures. Thanks for reading.

Side Note: I forgot to tell ya'll what happened with the phones. Earlier that evening I had been talking on the phone to my grandad. Now the idiot that I am instead of pressing end when the conversation was over I pressed mute. So that is why the phones weren't working. I blame this on my lack of home phone use in the past 5 years. 

1 comment:

JENNY said...

hahaha!! That was absolutely hilarious. I laughed, but nearly peed my pants too. I would have been freaking out and cursing Callie/God, as well. haha!!